5.07.2025

Committing the sin of trying not to bothered by everything all the time.

This morning I woke up when I wanted, made the bed, had some coffee, turned on the little sun lamp panel I've been using since I got here, never knowing how much light I'll have and wanting to control at least that much. Slatted blinds either don't work or put me face to face with other humans walking dogs or checking their mail or filling color coded waste receptacles just on the other side of the window, designed to make me feel like I'm being watched and for them to feel like I'm watching them (I am).

Read a few pages each from five different books and now I'm typing this out while I listen to instrumental music and the hell of it all is I actually feel bad for consciously resisting the urge to check the news and see what form of shitfuckery is flowing from the taps today. Like the act of observing changes the state of things. I think I used to think that's true. Weaponized guilt is a helluva drug.

And if Gaza and Ukraine are my fault because I've avoided exposure to every detail of those horrors well fine, that's on me, and it will be on me if things go further South in the U.S. and I don't stare intently enough at the atrocities in Louisville or Syracuse or Colorado Springs.

Yeah I don't know why those places either.