I Am Not Jensen Ackles

I am not Jensen Ackles. I know his photos come up when you search my name on the internet. Why you’re doing that is your business and you don’t owe me an explanation but at least now some of his fans will see this instead.

We’re not related as far as I know. If I ever attend an extended family picnic I’ll look for him after I’ve had my fill of potato salad and awkward small talk.

I’ve never seen Supernatural. I had a girlfriend who was obsessed with the
show and I think she mainly dated me for the name. She left when it became clear that I do not battle monsters in the literal sense.

She also thought I looked like Vincent D'Onofrio and I wish she hadn’t told me that because it ruined Full Metal Jacket for me. I wasn't sure who he was at first so I looked him up on the internet and watched a crime show he was in. He's taller and his performance had a hammy, serpentine quality to it. He's still a much better actor than I am.

I look more like a guy who was on Dawson’s Creek, another show I’ve never seen. The character's name is Pacy. I am not Pacy. Pacy sounds to me like a name for a mopey donkey person. Or an adjective for anxious behavior.

A lady in the parking booth at O'Hare was sure I was him and demanded an autograph. I explained that even if I signed something for her it would have no value. At a hockey game a group of teenage girls asked to have my photograph taken with them. I am not, I said, Pacy, and declined their request. They took a few pictures anyway.

I'm just now learning that it's spelled Pacey. Proof of my ignorance. The actor's name is Joshua Jackson. I am also not Joshua Jackson. I am uncomfortable watching him, and I'm sure he'll feel the same way if he's ever exposed to any of my own terrible attempts to act.

I avoided the show Fringe for a long time because he stars in it. It's my kind of nerdery though so when I finally watched it I loved it but the entire time I was watching him with a critical eye. I'd find myself thinking 'not sure that's
the right jacket for us buddy' or wondering if I should comb my hair like his.

These are ridiculous thoughts not worth sharing. But, again, this is what happens when you go looking for people on the internet so maybe that's on you.

When I was fifty pounds overweight a woman at a party told me I looked like someone famous. I’m not Pacy, I said. That’s not who I was thinking of, she said. She was thinking of Oliver Platt.

Even though I resembled Elliot as a kid and had a similar childhood, give or take a few ontologically shocking events, I have no trouble watching E.T: The Extraterrestrial. I think it gave me a complex. I certainly rode my bike around a lot and imagined that aliens were trying to contact me and my friends. Elliot's real name is Henry Thomas, and as adult men we don’t look all that similar.

I accept that I will remain buried beneath Jensen’s popularity. I have seen The Boys and he’s convincingly brutal and hilarious in that. I approve of his continued celebrity.

Thank you for allowing me to address this pressing issue.

-JAckles